Parenting: Superwoman Isn’t Cool

Some time ago, I began to realise and accept that I have too many things to do and handle in a day.  I work 4 days a week, most days from 8am to 5.30pm.  Whilst I run my own family daycare, a one man show no doubt, being my own boss, the truth is, sometimes the flexibility of working to my own hours, or the needs of my family is easier said than done.  And before I know, I came to see that while working for myself is great, it is very easy to fall into a trap of overworking beyond the hours I have set for myself.

So, more often than not, I start to yearn for more hours in a day, for more energy so that I could do more or simply to just do catching up.  The truth is I was struggling to keep up with all that I have to do, run, achieve in a day.  I started to notice myself falling behind a lot of my tasks, constantly trying to catch up when things around me are moving faster than I want.

Housework was one area where I just could not keep up with.  The bedrooms, changing sheets, bathrooms, the toilets, the vacuuming, moping, laundry, ironing, tidying up, cleaning up.  And as we know children are dirty by nature.  They are constantly messy.  So cleaning really needs to be done.  I am not particular about complete cleanliness, but maintaining a clean and safe environment is a primary requirement for running a daycare.

While I do the necessities, other house work were left on the back burners.  At one stage, for weeks, I have baskets of clean laundry sitting at the room waiting for me to fold and put away.  Honestly, my kids were becoming used to picking their clean clothes straight out from the laundry basket!  I was just short of asking my kids to turn their undies inside out so they can wear it one more day, haha, kidding!     

Then there was planning the meals every week.  I look after 4 to 5 children a day in my family daycare and I also provide them with lunch and snacks.  So I always cook extra the night before and have the extras for lunch the next day.  That requires me to plan and shop every week.  With that meal planning, I have to make sure we have enough dairy, calcium, protein, carbo, fruits and vegies in their tums tums each week.   I must admit some nights I get so tired, that I really didn’t feel like cooking at all.

Some nights I just want to have take outs, KFC or anything just so that I didn’t need to cook.

Then there’s the garden that needs to be kept tidy.  Sweeping the yard is something I will do only when it really needs to be done.  Still, it needs to be done.

Or car washing.  Oh, I don’t like this job because I have got a big car.  The last time I washed, dry, waxed, polished, vacuumed the car…..it took me a whole 3 hours!  Yes one afternoon gone.

Then there’s also paperwork.  Paperwork of my family daycare business, the quarterly tax statement, the bills, the receipts, notes to parents, update on each child’s development and etc.  

Not fortgetting also writing up, planning the weekly daycare programme.  The theme, the arts and craft activities, the learning session, the language lesson and so forth.  It’s a legislated requirement that we provide a complete programme of play and learn experience, which takes into account of all the skills a child need.  Whilst I have lots of resources for me to pick my ideas, but it takes time and energy to carefully plan out a programme that cater for a child’s need for indoor, outdoor experience, opportunity for them to develop their fine, gross motor skills, spatial awareness, logic, maths, science and so forth.

Then there are other things like coaching JD with his learning, writing, reading and making sure we have a right balance between learn and play.  On top of that there’s swimming, gymnastics which I try to fit in around my working hours and somehow they either all fall into my off day or half of Saturday morning.

There is really a lot to do, to think, to manage and handle every day, every week, every month.  Too much I must say.  I started to struggle.  Really struggle.  I get frustrated with myself for not being able to gain some form of control.  By nature, I am organised, efficient and I get the jobs done.  But it became all a bit much lately.

So, in the last 4-5 months, I started to struggle.  I just could not keep up with it.  My plate was too full, and I became lost.  Paperwork, bills, notes, unopened letters started piling up.  Clutters started to appear.  I lost the time to catch up on emails, with friends and I became very tired.  Instead of working 4 days a week, it became like 7 days a week.  It wasn’t good.  It was affecting me badly.  I no longer enjoyed it. 

So, in the last holiday when I had some time to think, plan, reorganise…I decided that I need to regain some control!  But I can’t regain it, if I don’t ask for help.  So I did.  I decided to delegate some tasks to various people that are paid to do their jobs well.

I called up a house cleaning agency.  I got 2 ladies out to my place and gave me house a big spring clean from head to toe, every surfaces, cupboards, shelves wipe, every inch of carpet vacummed, every tiles washed and moped…it was good.  And now, every fortnight, the 2 ladies come with their buckets, mops, while I go out of the house for 2 hours!  And they also iron the husband’s business shirts for me, yay!  The feeling of coming back to a clean home is great.  But what makes it even greater was I now have 2 bonus hours to do something else when I would have used it for cleaning previously. 

The truth is also I never had to clean my own office when I was working for someone else previously.  Now that home is my work, my office, the same should apply.  So that was what I did.  And I felt quite liberated when I did it.

As for my garden, my usual lawnmower guy will do the clean up for me when it is needed. 

My car, it’s time to call up the same guy that I have called previously to come back.  With 3 hours of car washing, I could use that time for something better.  Like reading a book, playing with my kids, go to the gym, go for a massage..or just sit around and do nothing.  That would be good.

Now, I could use it to catch up on the paperwork, a bit more time and energy to plan the weeks ahead, some time to stop and chat, catching up on emails, phone calls. 

But one good thing also is I am not this over tired, knackered, exhausted mum, wife half slumped on the couch in the evening…I could watch a show, a movie with my husband, chat about the funny things that happened during the day, laughed at the kids, read them a few books, read a book myself, have a cuddle, share a kiss, eat a tub of ice cream with the husband…rather than just going off to bed not long after the kids. 

On a more serious note….

The lesson learn is you don’t have to do everything yourself.  And it is okay if you are struggling as a mum.  It is also very okay, infact perfectly fine to ask someone for help or pay someone to do the job for you.  As women, by nature, we can become quite good at taking on lots of responsibilities and running with it.  We always have this list of things to do.  We always want to be on top of everything.  Better at everything we do.  Everything home made, home cooked crap.  We want to make sure everyone is happy and taken care of.  Perhaps deep down we are just going to crash, but we still keep it all together and make it work.  As women, wives, mothers, we run the house, we know where everything is, all programmed into our minds.  We are good at that.  We persevere, and the most, we whinge to a friend when it all gets too much.  And we throw a big tantrum before each monthly cycle.  But that cycle remains.

Fact is we can’t be good at everything.  We also can’t be perfect at everything.  Likewise, I am not perfect, because I don’t need to be perfect.  And if I am perfect, what pressure I am going to give to the other woman, mum next to me, because perhaps she is already feeling quite stress and overwhelmed by things around her.  That’s a realization I came to see recently.

So the truth is we are all limited in some ways.  I am limited.  I can’t do everything.  And if I don’t stop and breath, I would be burnt out in no time.  And I was already feeling it.

All this does not mean that my husband isn’t pulling his weight.  He try.  He takes the kids out regularly and give me a break.  He is a good man.  But he is already spending an average of 10-12 hours a day at work everyday, managing a group of people, I really can’t see how he would enjoy folding the clothes, washing the toilets, vacumming my car and etc for me.  Sometimes his day is no different to mine managing a group of 2,3,4 yo kids, just that his were the 20, 30, 40 yo kids!  They are all the same!

Finally, I made the decision.  Delegate, spend some cash and that buys me a bit of spare time and stress relief.

Importantly, I rewarded myself with a gift of time.  A reward for my own inadequacy and inability to be all I like to be.   And I look at that positively.

 

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What would you rather be doing?

It’s 9.30am now.  I am here waiting for the wall plasterer to arrive, fixing up the rest of the wall in the living room.  My husband has taken the kids out to have breaky.  It’s glorious outside today.  But I have a tonne of housework to do, kids nice clean clothes still to be put away, vacumming, moping, 2 loads of washing waiting for me in the laundry, the back garden needs a good racking, I haven’t prepared my programme for tomorrow..somehow it seems like a heap stuff to do in just one day.

I have just gotten the vacuum cleaner out, but ahhh, I would rather be doing something else…baking, reading cookbook, or sitting down for a cup of tea.

Is there something you would rather be doing at times? 

Oh, it’s one of those days for me or weeks for me already.

Edited at 1.30pm - I decided to do a few things and left the rest to the other day.  I could tick off vacumming, moping the floor, laundry washed and put away already (woohoo, that would be the first!!!!!)….I decided not to rack the leaves in the garden because I am going to get my gardener to do it.  Also as this is a short week for me, I am not going to bother about planning too much daycare programme for this week….so yipee!

So the end result, I had my cup of tea, I also had a 30mins nap before getting up to do some paperwork and blogging.  Yes, less is more sometimes as my mum always remind me :) And I don’t need to finish everything in one day!  Yes yes, I need to keep practicing it.

 

A recovery week

This week is what I call a recovery week.   I kept activities to a very minimum, making sure I am not over pushing myself again.  The last week had been a difficult one, for me especially, when sleep and rest is hard to come by.  At one point, I was so in need of a restthat I had to call my babysitter at the very last minute, just so I could have a 2 hour nap.  In times like that, I counted my blessings again, for when physical family support is limited around me, I have a babysitter like Suzie whom I have become so comfortable and confident with.  She took my kids to the park, brought them home with her, gave them lunch while I rested.  I am very thankful for my babysitter.

I am also glad that I haven’t had to call on the husband to be home when I was unwell, as it was his first week at a new job and we managed to pull through a difficult week.

But most importantly, when I was unwell and missing home terribly, my mum, dad, sis, friends were all online constantly checking on us and that help a million times over!

This week, I still work, but I make sure we are all in bed by 10pm every night, a one pot meal for dinner when it involves minimal cooking, rest when all the kids are resting and I think I need to keep doing that for a while.

 

Learning to be positive…

It all started on Thursday.  The kids woke up from sleep, each doing a projectile vomiting, which left me in a scramble trying to clean up the vomit mess.  By the time I realised it was more than a food poisoning, I already had a full house of kids arriving for another day in our family daycare.  When the vomitting stopped, the fever started, coming and going all day, seeing the both of them shivering under their thick quilt was concerning.  Chloe wouldn’t stop crying or fussing till I held her in my arms, on my hip all day long and it was exhausting.

When they were not bothered by the fever, they were still a happy bunch playing.  JD for his age is a real blessing.  It also reminded me there is always something positive.  When he felt tired, and needed a rest, he just brought himself back to his room, pulled the quilt over him and slept.  When he felt better, he would wake up and joined us all. 

For 2 nights, there was no sleep for me as the kids cried everytime their fever broke and woke them up fully drenched in sweat.

My husband was also unwell when the kids were sick.  So the virus just went through the household.

By Saturday JD was better.  Chloe’s fever subsided, but she has now got larygintis. 

As for me, I woke up with such a sore head on Saturday and it’s now my turn.  My body aches, my joints sore, my whole body feels like a furnace, even after popping Neurofen after Neurofen, the fever is not going away.

By Saturday afternoon, I decided to pre-warn the parents that I might not open my door for business on Monday morning.  I hesitated in doing that initially, as there’s always the fear of letting parents down, leaving them in a scramble to look for alternative carers….but I have also learnt people are usually understanding when it comes to such situation and more often than not they have extended family and friends that could always give them a hand.

Whilst I am still feeling pretty crap from this damn virus, I also realise we have been lucky with the kids and husband being sick first, and I only started feeling unwell on Saturday.  By then the husband is home, and he could at least helped to look after the kids while I tried to sleep away the virus.   But being the last to get sick also means I get hit the hardest…damn!

Honestly, what made it hard was all these happened during the first few days of Chinese New Year.  Being homesick.  And the fact that even my own little family hasn’t had a celebration yet.  And when we had plans to have a big gathering yesterday, all had to be cancelled as I really wasn’t in the shape to whip up a big dinner.   Just as well, we have 15 days in Chinese New Year

For now, it’s back to bed for me again…

 

2007 - What a year!

2007 has been one of the biggest years for us.  At the beginning of 2007, I noted down one thing I hope to start and try.  And I did.

2007 has been a year of change for me, for our family, for my husband.  It has affected every one of us and every changes we faced had allow us to learn more about accepting, coping and accommodating one another amongst all the changes.

I started off in January by continuing to be a full time stay at home mom with JD and Chloe, following a 12 months maternity leave from work since mid 2006.  During the 12 months of my maternity leave, I carefully planned out what I wanted to do at the end of my leave. 

In my situation (though not unique), with my family overseas and very little support around me and hubby, having both of us balancing a job and home can be hard.  Usually, it gets harder when the family expands.  Since having Chloe, I came to accept that changes have to be made.  Motherhood is a life long journey and I can’t risk myself being run down by juggling all different roles.  So, I had to find a way that allow me to be at home more, and possibly still doing something I would enjoy and better still if I could earn some income!

In January 2007, I put in an application for a business and childcare license to run my own daycare from home.  After many hours of studying in the night time, attending courses during the night and weekend, workshops, exams, interviews, inspections, reference checks, I was finally awarded the license in April 2007.  It was a lot of work involved in setting up my own daycare business.  My husband and I spent many hours talking over this idea, working out the pros and cons, how it is all going to work and etc.  It wasn’t easy.  I used all my spare time during the day and night, usually when both kids are sleeping to do my planning and preparation.

In June 2007, I started my business officially, taking enrolments and accepting children into my daycare.  Being a daycare provider is a job with full responsibility.  Parents entrust their children in my care, and it is my utmost responsibility to care, to nurture, to love them unconditionally, to discipline, to teach, to guide and almost be like a mother for them when their parents are away at work.  It also comes with challenges when a young child becomes unsettled, and I have to find ways to work around it.  Or when a child becomes disruptive.  It also comes with some headaches when parents are late in picking up their children, or in their payments or becoming difficult. 

It has been a steep learning curve.  It is no difference to running a big daycare centre, except in my case, I am the owner, the sole proprietor, the boss, the administrator, the daily bookkeeper, the sole carer for the children but also the cook, the nappy changer, the story teller, the referee, the listener, the disciplinarian, the driver, and many many more titles.  It is not babysitting, but providing a quality childcare experience to both the parents and children. 

The biggest part came in December 2007, when I officially resigned from my previous job as a Marketing Analyst!  It took a lot of time and considerations to make that decision because it was a big step.  I have been in that industry for over 10 years and to swap it for a totally different role is a frightening experience.  I mean how scary it can be when I am swapping from analysing numbers, charts, graphs, trends, writing reports, giving presentations, dressing up in nice sexy work clothes, make ups, with heels into t-shirts, jeans, flat shoes and surrounded by 4-5 kids all day, sometimes covered in paints, glitters, on all fours looking for that missing puzzle piece, Lego block, singing Incy Wincy Spiders , Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars, wiping pooey bottoms, rocking an unsettled baby to sleep…..it is a change. A big change indeed.

I remembered getting lots of different reactions.  And I still get them all the time.  Some looked at me wide eyed.  Some said and still say wow.  Some think it’s cool.  Some wish me luck.  Some think I must really love kids.  Some were stunned.  Some were just speechless.

But as I said to many “When you are a mom like me, in a situation when support is not usually within reach or a quick phone call away, you have to think of a way out and make the situation works for you.”  So this is the way out for me, when I make the situation works for me and our family,  a temporary change for the next few years until my kids are older, and then I can think of another career change again or not.

Yes, I know 2007 was going to be a transition year, a year of change and growth.  And I have made that change and I have learned and I am still learning.   

Looking back, it has been also one of the best.  I have been able to create something for myself.  Allowing me to be at home more with my kids, but also making an income and supporting the family when I am working in my own home.  I have been able to attend many of JD’s school performances during the school term by taking all my daycare children with me, and not having to take time off work.  I am able to send and pick up JD from pre-kindy while working, making dinner for my family in the early afternoon and taking the evening rush away.  The rewards I get when I see JD’s smiling face when I turned up at his school gate is priceless.  Hearing him talking about his day right after pre-kindy is also priceless.  The joy he gets when he sees me, his sister and all our daycare children when we pick him up from the school gate is a rewarding experience.  The time I spend with JD and Chloe are priceless.  They will never be this age again and I am glad I am here to witness and share these moments with them. 

One of the best things is also setting my own working hours and I stick to it.  By continuing to work also means that the financial shoulder is not entirely on my husband.

There are some other drawbacks, such as when I fall sick and I have had to cancel work.  But this is the way it is.  I am sure all of us that are self-employed faced the same drawbacks and challenges. 

Apart from that, we have had many other blessings…

I was awarded a certificate just before Christmas for providing a quality daycare in the first 6 months of my business and service.

We also sold a house this year which has allowed us to enjoy some of the earlier seeds we sow.

We bought a bigger car for the family which we have taken with us on a few family holidays.

We have been able to renovate our kitchen and have now a really cool kitchen to use.

Phil and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary.

We just came back from a really nice family holiday and we look forward to more.

We have been able to give and support other families with the rewards we had.

But more importantly, to my parents, my sisters whom have been with me every step of the way, though not in persons, but always close enough through SMS, emails, and the many many online chats we have had.  Thank you!

I am looking forward to 2008.  A year when I hope to continue with the changes I have made in 2007. 

 

Three De-stress Must Haves

I have a few destress must haves.  After a somewhat crazy few weeks, I was craving them. 

At 5.30pm, after finishing work, I called the husband to meet us at Fremantle for a quick dinner.  Away from the usual routine of eating at home on a weeknight, I showered, bathed the kids, packed the bag, all in 15 mins, drove to Freo for dinner.

We went to this new pub - Madmonk, good place, good food, I love sitting on the bench, people watching, enjoying the extra hour of daylight and then moving inside for dinner when it got cooler.  I love their kids menu, JD had this yummy beef burger with a real beefy taste pattie…

Chloe had some chipolata with parmesan potato mash

I had a grilled pork cutlet and Phil had a juicy steak.

Or driving to my fav yoghurt outlet 5 mins before it close and get this yummylicious Raspberry Yoghurt….

And one that works the most effectively

Lying in my kids bed, chat to them, tickle them, hear them giggle, hear them laugh

 

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Taming The Tongue

I was listening to this message by Anthony Palmieri the other day.  He talks about Taming the Tongue and it really helps me to remember why I need to do that, and why it is so important to practise it in our daily lives.

So often, when I get tired, I become impatient, and I made the error of saying things to myself (self-talk), my husband, my kids that were never meant to be said.  And more often than not, those words when spoken were never really true or uplifting at all.  But we made mistakes, and the ability to hold back our tongue, to speak a bit slower takes a lot of practice and comes with maturity in a person. 

Sometimes in my head I go through this self-talk  ”I am sick and tired of all these…” “I have enough of it…” “I just want to go sleep…” “JD, stop it, you are driving me crazy”…. and etc etc

Palmieri said that the tongue is the strongest muscle in our body, though small in size but it’s strong and powerful.  Just think about the different tastes we experience in a day, all the various tastebuds.  Apparently, every individual tongue also has its own individual tongue print.   

But he also said that words we speak, the words we use, the words we hear can shape a person’s life and how they feel about themselves.  Imagine how we feel during the morning when our partners say to us “I love you, have a good day with the kids”.  The sense of appreciation when he says “Hon, thank you for the dinner”.  The warmth we feel when our kids greet us with “How was your day daddy?” as he comes home from work.  Or when they cheerfully say to us “Have fun mommy, I love you” when we go to work.   

But imagine the hurts when we argue with one another.  When words were exchanged in the heat of argument.  Words like “You drive me crazy!”…”You never help me anyway…” “Why should I love you”…Ah, sometimes those words can hurt and make a situation worst.

And then perhaps words that have stuck with us from childhood that have shaped us to believeing we are that person otherwise.  That could be both positive and negative words.  Sometimes, unfortunately, negative words spoken by our elders to us could lead a scar in our lives, and thus hindering us in some ways.  The wounds left by the words spoken could take a great amount of time to heal, before he/she is able to let go of the past.

So, the tongue if used in the right way can become a powerful tool in our daily lives.  That leads me to reflect, how do I speak to my husband?  How do I speak to my kids?  Do I lash out at them when I am tired?  How do I speak to a group of children to get their attention?  How do I warn my kids without having to shout at them? How do I discipline our kids in a firm, gentle way without any screaming or shouting? 

And Palmeiri left us with this to reflect on.  Think before you speak.

T.H.I.N.K.  when broken it down…

T - Is it truthful?

H - It is helpful?

I - Is it inspiring?

N - Is it nurturing?

K - Is it kind?    

If it’s none of the above, then it’s best we hold back our tongue, turn away, take a deep breath, think about what we need to say before uttering anything.

As it says in James 1:19 “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

I was inspired by the sermon that Sunday, to hear more, go here.

 

Peeved!

Peeved, that’s the way I felt earlier on.

I brought JD and Chloe out to IKEA with me this morning to get a few things for the house.

As we arrived at IKEA, after parking my car, I got out to make sure (1) it was parked properly (2) to get the stroller out from the boot.  As I got out from the car, I also saw a BMW pulled up behind me.  As I opened the back door, getting ready to put Chloe in the pram, the driver from the BMW beeped and shouted me saying ”C’mon, what’ya doing, get the **** out of here” and then pointing their middle fingers at me!

Gasp!  I was horrified.  These were 2 middle aged women, looked well groomed to me from the outside, driving a pretty good looking car, but was just plain rude.  Simply because they were peeved that I wasn’t leaving when they thought I was.  Thus leaving them with another round of driving around looking for an empty spot!  Huh!

Well, tough luck, you 2 rude wrinkled women!

So I left it at that.

2 hours laters, as we were ready to go home, we adjourned to the IKEA cafe to get JD an ice cream.  Since it was lunch time, moving spaces in the cafe was obviously a bit tight. 

So, after getting the ice cream and as I tried to leave the cafe with Chloe in the stroller and JD walking in front of me, we came to a stop when the aisle was blocked by a baby sitting on a high chair.  I asked the mom of the child politely if she could move the high chair a bit to let me pass through.

Get ready for this.

Her answer to me was “NO!”.  So I apologised for causing the trouble, and she reluctantly then asked her own mother to move the child.  This time, the grandmother said to me “NO!  I AM EATING!”.  And then to have the mother of that child said to me again ”Look, we are not going to move, you could go back other way and walked around the other aisle.”

And that’s when I put my foot down.  Firmly, politely and with a straight face, I said to her “Well, I am already here, all I need is for you to move the high chair by just an inch.”

Finally they did and I turned around to say thank you but not before giving them a look.   (My sis would kow that look is a trait of our family, and is only reserved for very extreme case!)

What frustrates me was there they were, a family of five, father, mother, grandmother, grandfather and the child.  Easily, one member of the family could have picked up the child from the high chair, the other one could have moved the high chair a bit and all would be done.  But instead they refused to help.

I walked away shaking my head, and the lack of basic manners in that family.  Because if I have been them, I would have moved my child quickly, and allowing another parent with kids or a person to walk through.  Because I know that’s basic courtesy and it’s good when we help one another out.

I think these people need a course of lesson on “Beautiful Manners” from me and trust me, what goes around comes around!